Ever change

No one can prepare you for conversation like this but here are some strategies that might help.

Here’s some context: Sitting in the back seat, crying as my mom explained to me why my sister wouldn’t be living with us anymore, is a conversation that no 12 year old one wants to have.

I hadn’t seen my sister, in what seemed to be forever. My mom explained (from her perspective) why we wouldn’t be seeing my sister. My eyes began to well up. I asked why I couldn’t go with her. As if not seeing my sister was the worst part, my mom stated hesitantly she went to live with our dad, and come to find out “our” dad was only her dad, biologically. I was raised since I was a baby calling this man dad not ever knowing that he wasn’t my real dad. It wouldn’t matter but in the eyes of the law, I could not go with him because I was not legally his. My sister went to live with him and I couldn’t go. Comprehend that as a 12 year old. I was devastated.

My own feelings at the time: Everything I thought I knew was a lie, and the people who I trusted were all liars, and I felt abandoned, lost, and unloved. At least its how it feels in the mind of a pre-teen.

I had so many questions. Such as: who was my real dad, why wasn’t I told sooner, who am I, where do I belong, why did he leave?

How many others have ever been in this situation? Has anyone ever given or received information like this? Rest assured it’s at least happened once! It can be done!

If you’re someone who has had a situation like mine, I have to say……. great job. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been. Secondly, cheers to you and the truth. The moving forward can begin.

If you’re someone who is waiting to have a conversation like this, this may be helpful:

1. Stay calm and remember your doing the right thing.
2. Think about the best way the recipient will receive this news best: in writing, in person, in a public space, individual, etc.
3. Difficult conversation my trigger some unexpected reactions. It’s ok.
4. Pick a good setting where both parties are able to feel all emotions.
5. Give age appropriate explanation.
6. Be available to answer questions.
7. Don’t forget to use loving words 😉
8. Remember, you’re doing a good thing, which may be difficult!
9. Think about what you want them to take and remember from the conversation.

To the person on the receiving end of the conversation- just know it’s ok. You’re gonna be ok and it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. How you feel is valid. There are not books out there on how to give and receive news for every life situation, but we can help each other.